


Free To Be  You and Me

by FanGirlyGlee



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-03-31 23:06:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13985244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanGirlyGlee/pseuds/FanGirlyGlee
Summary: My take on how Ray and Mick got together while they are both growing, independently but on parallel paths, as people.





	1. Clean Getaway

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this fic is loosely set during the 2nd season. As it progresses I'll try to remember spoiler tags for 3rd season. I apologize for the crap title.

After his relationship with Kendra ended, it took Ray time to find his footing again.  Still he retained his optimistic outlook, and was able to form strong bonds of friendship with everyone aboard the Waverider, even the perpetually intimidating Mick Rory.  Not for the first time, refusing to go away had worked out in Ray’s favor.  While their short-lived psuedo-criminal team up didn’t turn out how Mick may have envisioned, being considered someone’s partner gave Ray a much needed confidence boost.  In fact, once the new and improved A.T.O.M. suit was finished he had begun to walk the thin line between confident and cocky with less care.

Despite Ray calling dibs on the first post-mission shower, Mick took advantage of Ray’s need to extricate himself from the A.T.O.M. suit to jump the line, calling, “You snooze, you lose, Haircut”.  Ray stood in the middle of the bathroom, hair caked with mud and what he hoped was animal blood, and decided he’d taken enough crap for one day.  He stripped off his clothes, yanked back the curtain, and boldly stepped under the shower head. 

“What are you doing, Ray?”  Mick’s rumbling voice was measured and even, displeasure dripping from every syllable.  

Ray dialed up his cheeriest tone.  “There’s more than enough room for two of us in here, Mick.  Heck, we can scrub each other’s backs.”  Combing fingers through his wet hair, he braced himself for a barely pulled punch to the shoulder.  The menacingly low growl behind him tapered off and to Ray’s surprise, Mick slapped the shampoo bottle against his bicep.  Ray washed his hair thoroughly, and while he was trying to figure out what to do next, Mick hip checked him out of the way and took his place under the hot spray. He rinsed off the remnants of his body wash of choice, which was generally whichever bottle seemed to have the least left in it, causing endless frustration for the bottle’s original owner whenever he or she made it to the shower themselves.   “Cherry blossom,” Ray noted, catching a whiff of floral notes.  He grabbed his loofah from the highest shelf where no one else could easily reach and scrubbed his arms pink.  Ray deliberately focused on his own body, not letting his gaze go any lower than the broad shoulders and smooth back in front of him. 

And then, the movement of the other man’s right arm caught his attention.  There was no mistaking the purpose of the familiar up and down motion.  Ray was stunned, but managed to get out, “What are you doing, Mick?” with a minimum of squeakiness. 

“I’m not giving up _me_ time just because you showed up,” the other man said smoothly.

Ray huffed, but instead of planning a graceful exit, he found himself saying, “Just seems rude not to ask me if I want to join in.” 

Before Ray could take it back, Mick turned, grabbed him by the arms, and spun him around so that he was facing the rear of the shower stall. Ray stood frozen in place as a large hand clamped over his genitals, kneading them for a moment before making a fist around the fastest forming erection Ray had ever experienced.  “Ha-ah,” was the only response he could muster as coherent thought fled, shouting, “Yes please,” on its way out. 

Ray leaned forward to rest his forehead against the wall.  The thrill of being touched so intimately, and unexpectedly, shot chills down his spine, making him shiver despite the steam filling the stall.  Mick’s grip was tight, but not painfully so.  Ray closed his eyes as his other senses were assailed.  The sound of water sluicing down his body to the drain, combined with Mick’s increasingly heavy breaths and his own racing heartbeat; it was deafening.  

Ray ejaculated with a surprised shout that was followed in short order by a hoarse grunt from behind him, preceding the impact of something thick and warm above the curve of his buttocks. 

Mick pulled back the curtain and exited the shower.  “Wash your own back,” he advised. 

 


	2. Three's a charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray goes back for seconds, and thirds.

Unsurprisingly Mick acted like nothing unusual had occurred and Ray was _almost_ able to look him in the eye after only twenty-four hours.  Ray didn’t know why Mick did what he did, but he hoped the other man’s motivations were as simple as his own.  It felt **good** , better than anything had felt in far too long.   While parts of his brain were working to determine his motivation, Ray’s body only knew that it wanted to more and it didn’t want to wait.  The second time he barged in on Mick in the shower, the other man took a few seconds to rinse the soap out of his eyes before pinning Ray to the back of the stall and joining their erections in one massive paw.  Ray’s mind was quieted by satisfying his body’s needs, pinching and scratching himself like he did when he was alone.  For once he honestly didn’t care how he looked doing it.  When they were done Mick stuck around long enough to keep Ray from collapsing as his legs turned to jelly. 

Ray Googled “Mid-life sexual identity crisis” five times before giving up on getting much help from the internet.  There were several studies delving into the issue of men who had have sex with other men but didn't consider themselves gay, but he didn’t feel it was entirely applicable to his situation.   After all, it was a little premature to consider two hand-jobs “sex”, and he wasn’t necessarily attracted to men as a whole.  It could just be Mick. 

The entirety of Ray’s romantic and sexual history was all straight-forwardly, no pun intended, heterosexual.  There were no circle jerks at Boy Scout camp, no experimentation in college, and during the course of obtaining four PhDs he’d discovered his prostate all by himself.  Ray hadn’t even dated until his twenties, and quickly found that one night stands were not for him.  He needed a personal connection with someone before he could consider them a potential sexual partner.

He’d loved Anna and trusted her with his whole self.  With her Ray had found everything he needed from love and making love.   When Anna pegged him he never fantasized that she was a man, nor had they ever chosen toys that were specifically meant to imitate a penis.  He’d never felt safe enough with anyone else to mention that he enjoyed that type of stimulation.  Ray realized he’d never even asked Kendra to touch him _that way_ during the two years they were together, which spoke volumes about their ultimately doomed relationship.  That was a whole different issue he might have to address at some other point in the future, but he was not looking forward to it.   That round of loving and losing had left Ray deeply hurt, and he closed himself off emotionally and romantically.     _Why now?  Why Mick?_

During his evening meditation, Ray finally found missing piece of the puzzle.  He remembered _it_ had happened at the end with Kendra.  He was losing her, but desperate to believe he could hold on and win her complete love.   Then he saw her with Carter and it all came crashing down.  Once again Ray was second best.   For a moment he saw red and the ship spun.  Ray didn’t know whether to scream and punch the bulkhead or cry. 

Suddenly Mick was right there next to him.  Only it wasn’t entirely Mick.  Chronos was still lingering behind his eyes.  He was quiet and still, focused on Ray with an intensity that made him shudder.  “What do you want?” he’d asked, angry at the intrusion into his private crisis. 

“You’re not ready for I want, pretty boy,” Mick said in an infuriatingly judgmental tone.

Ray’s insides churned.  He hated when people called him pretty or cute.  It made him feel feminine, which was terribly confusing as he would swear he didn’t believe in gender stereotypes.   Mick stepped closer and it took all effort to stand his ground with his heart pounding in his chest as Mick looked him up and down.  “’Sides, ain’t about me right now.  What do _you_ want?  And how long are you gonna pretend this is it?”  Ray shook his head and summoned the courage to turn his back on Mick, walking away as he heard, “I’ll be waiting for you,” echo off the metal walls.  Ray didn’t look back.  He was furious, confused, and inexplicably aroused.

Ray was almost sure Mick had no memory of that exchange, or a lot of what happened around those few days when he’d been some sort of hybrid creature: not old Mick and not new Mick yet either.  It had been relief when he stopped wearing all black and began looking like himself again.

Ray had tried to forget too, dismissing the shivering sensation as fear.  He'd suppressed it pretty well, until last week.  So there it was.  He was sexually attracted to his friend and teammate…who was a man.   Fact acknowledged.  What to do with the information?  Well, if there was one thing Mick had tried to teach him, it was to take what you want and run as far as you can. 

Ray weighed the odds of success and decided if something had worked twice, why not try a third time.   He took a deep breath and moved past Mick to stand in the empty shower stall until the other man was done shaving.   Their eyes locked as Mick wiped his face.  Ray thought he might say something, tell him to quit screwing around and go to bed.  But he just turned on the water and stepped inside.  Suddenly fearful he might never have another chance, Ray ran his hands over the other man’s scarred arms and broad chest reveling in the contrasting skin texture.  Mick tucked his cock under Ray’s scrotum and commenced thrusting between his water-slicked thighs.  Ray gripped Mick’s shoulders as Mick lowered his head to nip at Ray’s chest.  Ray was pleased to last a little bit longer than he had in their previous encounters, and clear headed enough to observe that the other man was clearly enjoying himself.   As they both stood on shaky legs catching their breaths he brushed his cheek against Mick’s bare scalp; as close to a kiss as he dared get.


	3. Let's do this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray's not quitting anytime soon.

Ray was determined not to let anything he and Mick did in private negatively impact their daily lives.  For Ray the team came first.  There was ample time, alone in his room, to contemplate his personal issues.   Often Ray would wrap his arms around a pillow in an effort to simulate the comfort of lying beside someone.   Lately the pillow seemed too squishy, and old memories of soft curves and scented hair were replaced by recent recollections of hard muscle and the deep musk that was all Mick.  It had been thrilling to touch Mick’s arms and back, but Ray was interested in exploring more intimate areas. 

He decided to do some prep work before taking the next step.  At the Waverider’s next stop in the late 20th century Ray managed to find a place that carried the supplies he needed.  Selection was limited, but he came back aboard the ship with a gay pornographic magazine, lubricant, a butt plug, and a dildo.  The last item was, despite being neon pink, a reasonable facsimile of a penis; average length, with an exposed head and veins up the sides.  That night Ray tried to get into the mood by looking through the magazine.  “Yup, those are naked men,” he thought blandly.   He flipped through the pages quickly, stopping only briefly at pictures of strongly-built or bald men.  It just wasn’t working for him.

Next he took the dildo out of the package and stared at it for awhile before deciding this sort of thing should probably be done with the lights off.  In the dark he pressed the dull plastic against the side of his face, and then licked it a few times.  After sucking on the tip for a minute he stopped.  He felt stupid.   He knew if he was serious there was no substitute for the real thing.

Ray got dressed and went to Mick’s room.  The sight of the other man with his boots off and shirt unbuttoned lit a fire in Ray’s belly.  He slouched in the doorway, brow furrowed.  Mick ignored him until the third loud sigh.  He didn’t look up, but did speak.  “Yes, Raymond?”

Ray tried to approach the subject delicately.   “Um, I was thinking that I should tell you, in case it wasn’t obvious, and it probably is, that I’m not exactly experienced when it comes to being with a guy. Okay, I have no experience.”

 “Didn’t know.  Don’t care.”

“And unlike subjects where I can get some basic knowledge from books, or even magazines, I think hands-on would be the best way to learn here.  And while I’m sure I _could_ build a simulator of some sort, I don’t know where I’d put it where it wouldn’t be noticed…”

Mick set down whatever he’d been tinkering with and pressed his fingers to his temples.  “Do you have a point? Or do I have time to get another beer before you bore me to death?”

“Can I try performing oral sex on you?” The words tumbled out of his mouth so fast he wasn’t sure Mick understood him.  But then looked up at Ray and grinned like the Cheshire cat.   Mick leaned back in his chair, spread his legs, and palmed his crotch.  Ray crossed the room and dropped to his knees without hesitation.  He pulled down the waistband of Mick’s loose-fitting pants.  Taking the other man’s penis in his hand, Ray put the whole thing in his mouth.   Mick made a sound that might have been a small laugh, but didn’t push him away so Ray just held it there for a few seconds, feeling the organ swell on his tongue before he had to let it fall from his lips.  He commenced licking it from base to tip and back down again.  “Yep, tastes like skin,” he thought.  Ray had fun tasting for awhile and then noticed that Mick was tapping his foot on the floor, meaning he was probably getting impatient for actual sucking. 

Ray did the best he could, and hoped he was getting points for effort.  There was a lot to keep in mind: teeth out of the way, keep moving, don’t forget to breathe.   Apart from a heavy, but gentle, hand on the back of his neck Ray wasn’t getting much from Mick in the way of guidance so he listened to changes in breathing for indicators of whether a particular action was a good one.  Eventually Mick threaded the fingers of his other hand through Ray’s hair and soon pulled just hard enough to make his point.  Ray was proud that he did not choke or throw up when his mouth was filled with semen, though he did end up spitting most of it into his sleeve as he wiped his face.  Mick gave him a bemused look.  “Thanks,” Ray mumbled and shuffled off to his room where he jerked off in a daze and slept contentedly.

xxx

Ray prided himself on being honest with others, but knew he had a tendency to be less so with himself.  Which is why, despite the whirlwind of sexual activity, he did try to consider his motivations.   He’d gone from wondering what it was like to touch another man sexually to _wanting_ it in a relatively short time.  There was no question that he wanted Mick.  Mick’s touch was deeply exciting.  Ray felt like a virgin again; full of need, and desperate to know what other people must know.   He wanted to ask someone, maybe Sara, if any of this made sense.  Did other people feel like this?  Did _everyone_ feel like this and it was just new for him? He couldn’t just keep randomly showing up in Mick’s room and asking him to engage in different sex act-could he? It had worked so far, but eventually he would have to make sure it okay with Mick, which definitely meant talking.

One morning Ray got up early to work out and found Mick sitting on the weight bench, looking like he’d been up all night.  Ray decided to give it a shot. 

“Listen is this, uh is this okay with you? I mean me and you and the…”

“I know what you mean, Haircut. And if it weren’t fine you would know.”

“Oh good.  I kinda figured, but I wanted to make sure.  Because I’ve never done this before.”

“So you said.”

“And I’m not sure how it’s supposed to go, or how I want it to go.  I just have all these…desires and they’re new and I want to explore them unless you think it’s weird.  I’m trying to be flexible. “

Mick closed his eyes and momentarily seemed like he might be in pain.  “If I blow you will you shut up?”

Ray thought for half a second. “Yeah, probably.”

And that was how Ray found himself pushed into a corner, shorts around his ankles and his dick in another man’s mouth.  It was fairly amazing and Ray said so. “I-I need to get better at this because you are…oh wow. “  Reveling in his lack of concern for anything beyond what was happening at that very moment, Ray spread his legs a little wider, hoping Mick would get the hint.  Unfortunately Mick wasn’t a mind reader, and Ray’s face burned at the thought of asking him out right.  Then again, he hadn’t gotten to this point by being shy, so he shut his eyes tightly and whispered, “Please,” while tilting his hips upward.  Ray was rewarded with a thick finger inserted into his anus that easily found his prostate and commenced driving him out of his mind.  He bit his lip to keep from crying out too loudly, and whilst in the haze of orgasmic bliss he slid out of the chair to kneel on the floor in front of Mick.  Ray took Mick’s face in his hands and pressed their lips together.  Mick was silent, but allowed Ray to kiss him softly before pulling Ray’s shorts back up.  “I’m going to sleep now,” he announced and proceeded shuffle off to his room. Ray decided that counted as a warm up and pulled the weights out from under the bench.

xxx 

A couple hours later Ray was in the kitchen cooking breakfast when Mick caught up to him.  Ray had already showered and put on a collared shirt and slacks while Mick looked like he had splashed some cold water in his face before donning the least filthy combination of shirt and pants out of the pile of clothes left on his floor.  “Good morning,” Ray said brightly, pouring Mick a glass of juice.

“Ugh,” was Mick’s only comment, as if the entire concept of consciousness offended him.  Ray bit his tongue as he noticed Mick looking around to see if anyone else on the team was around.  He he sat down across from Ray and rubbed his head for a second.  “Look, you know I hate talking about stuff, but since this is becoming a regular thing…”

Ray heated up a pan on a hot plate and mixed the corn meal and eggs in a bowl.  “If you don’t mind,” he said, feigning indifference.   “Because if you aren’t enjoying it...”

“Didn’t say that," Mick shot back quickly.  He picked up the glass and sniffed at the juice.  “Just sayin’ we should go over a few things.”

“Feelings?” Ray raised an eyebrow. 

“Rules,” Mick replied gravely.

“Like don’t cross the streams rules?”

“Yeah.” Mick downed the juice like a shot and put the glass down on the counter.  Ray refilled it.  “Only gonna go through these once so listen up.   One, I won’t smack you around so don’t even ask.  Two, you ever try to smack me and I’ll put you down hard.  Three, **don’t** call me Daddy.” Ray snorted lightly.  The idea hadn’t even occurred to him.  Mick continued.  “Last, you know that thing from earlier?”

“The kissing, the blow job or the finger up-“

“The finger. Obviously it’s cool that you like that, but don’t ever try it with me without asking first.  I don’t like surprises.” He gave Ray a pointed look.  Ray nodded.

“Seems like a reasonable set of rules. I don’t really have any rules of my own yet, but I'm full of ideas.  I'm glad you find the kissing tolerable because I am definitely going to kiss you some more, and also I’d really like you to fuck me whenever you have the time.”  He poured batter out onto the hot pan and savored Mick’s look of shock.  The big man quickly shook it off and took an interest in whatever Ray was cooking.

“Whatcha makin'?”

“Johnny cakes. Want some?” 

Mick looked at him suspiciously.  “Wait, why are you making me breakfast?”

Ray rolled his eyes. “I’m making _me_ breakfast.  But you’re here and I’m willing to share.”

“Okay then.  As long as you aren’t trying to be mushy.”

“I wouldn’t dare.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying out a longer chapter with some section breaks.


	4. New definition of hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shift to Mick's POV

Mick really hadn’t meant for any of it to happen.  Sure he’d technically started it, but he would have put money on Ray running away only to shoot Mick a series of disgusted looks for at least a week.  Lately Haircut was full of surprises.  It had all the hallmarks of a one-time thing: spontaneous, quick, and intense.  Mick was glad he was able to hide his shock when Ray had pulled back the shower curtain a second time.  He didn’t even let Ray get his hair wet before taking them both in hand.  He couldn’t begin to imagine what had gotten into Ray, but damn if it wasn’t hot.  Actually, Haircut twisting his own nipples might be Mick's new definition of hot. He began to look forward to Ray popping in again for a little stress relief. And then Ray stared him down, like he was daring Mick to say no the third time around.  Nobody had to double dare Mick Rory to do anything. 

He knew Ray would get around to talking about it, and dreaded the prospect of being forced to perform the unnecessary mental gymnastics.  Amazingly, Ray went from- _I’m not gay. I don’t know why I want to do this-_ to- _I wanna suck your dick_ -in what had to be record time.  He’d probably also said some stuff about exploring his sexuality, but the blow job was the important part of that exchange.    

Mick knew there was going to be kissing at some point, which for some reason most of his casual hookups thought he would hate.  Ray was actually a good kisser; no unnecessary tongue.  Then he just dropped the bomb over breakfast and said he wanted get fucked.  Mick was game.

Being as it was Ray’s first time Mick figured he’d make an effort.  He showered and shaved, snagged some of Nate’s mouthwash, and shoved a clean pair of boxers into his jacket pocket along with some condoms.   He kept an eye on the corridor as he knocked on Ray’s door.

Ray was sitting on his bunk, wrapped in a fluffy robe, looking a little more nervous than usual. Mick entered and sat himself in the chair closest to the door.  He figured it was best to get the preliminaries out of the way first.  “So how you wanna do this?” he asked, leaning over to unlace his boots.

Ray laughed and immediately covered his mouth.  “I’m sorry, Mick. I just – I don’t know.  You’re the expert here.”

Mick contemplated showing Ray how he usually dealt with smart mouths, but remembered he was trying to be considerate.  “Do you have a preference?” 

Ray cleared his throat.  “I think from behind would be easiest.”

He looked Ray dead in the eye, and his tone became very serious.  “You had anything bigger than a finger up there before?” 

The tips of Ray’s ears turned pink.  “Oh, ya know, butt plugs; nothing huge.” 

Mick leaned over again to pull off his socks and tuck them into his boots.  It was a constant struggle to remain stone faced when Ray spoke so matter-of-factly about sexual matters.  It was as close as Haircut got to talking dirty and it gave Mick this weird fluttery sensation in his chest.

Standing up, he pulled his shirt over his head and unbuckled his jeans.  Ray was watching him intently.  Mick was used to people staring, but for some reason Ray’s gaze made him nervous enough to hurry.  He pushed the denim over his hips and let the pants fall to the floor.  He crossed the room and put his hand under Ray’s chin, tilting his face upward.  Mick pressed their mouths together firmly.  Ray raised his arms and wrapped them around Mick’s shoulders, pulling him down so he they were seated side-by-side on his narrow bunk.  Mick reached into Ray’s robe and twisted his left nipple just hard enough to get his attention.  Ray pulled back with a gasp, and Mick quickly captured Ray's face in his hands, letting his right thumb play with Ray’s lower lip.  “You tell me if something actually hurts.  I ain’t in this to cause you pain.”

“I know that. You won’t hurt me, Mick.”  Ray’s brown eyes were so open and trusting.  It was very different from all the times someone nervously asked him to be gentle or said something else that only reminded Mick of how big and scary he was.  Ray wasn’t the least bit frightened.  Mick felt another twinge in his chest that he pushed aside in favor of more kissing and general manhandling.  Ray shrugged off the robe and leaned back, baring himself without a trace of embarrassment. Mick took a moment to admire the sight.  Ray had a strong, solid physique that appealed to him.  He curled his fingers around Ray’s erection, stroking gently and watching moisture ooze from the tip.  When he snaked his other hand between Ray’s thighs and crooked a finger to insert it he was met with something unexpected.  Mick pulled back and gave Ray a questioning look. 

Ray honest to God giggled, and drew his knees up.  “I kinda started without you.” Mick looked down and saw the base of something translucent and sparkly.  He grasped it and withdrew the butt plug, watching in aroused fascination as Ray’s body snapped back after it was removed. 

Mick huffed.  “Damn, Haircut.  You don’t mess around.” Setting aside the plug, Mick then pushed two fingers easily into Ray’s anus. 

“Ah-ahhh.”  Ray turned his head and moaned while Mick added another finger.  Mick bent his head and nipped at Ray’s neck.  When he pulled back Ray whined a little and then spread his legs wider.   Mick was suddenly glad Ray had done the prep work as he found himself very eager to get to the point of this evening. 

“Flip over then.  You’re ready.”

Ray got up on his hands and knees, tucking his head between his shoulders.  Mick rolled on a condom and applied extra lube for good measure before lining himself up and pressing forward. Ray tensed and gasped as Mick moved slowly.  “Breathe,” Mick advised quietly. He reached under Ray to grasp his erection and gave him a few long slow strokes as he pushed the rest of the way in.  Ray was panting, but not complaining.  Mick established a steady rhythm that allowed Ray time to catch his breath and get over the initial shock of having another person inside him.  Gradually he picked up the pace.  Watching Ray for signs of distress distracted him only slightly from the intense heat and tightness of Ray’s body.  When he was certain Ray was feeling good, Mick grasped his hips and began thrusting in earnest.  Ray backed up to meet Mick’s hips and they established a nice rhythm.  In no time Mick felt the pressure building in his gut and with a couple hard pushes he was over the edge, collapsing on Ray’s back with an undignified grunt.  After ten seconds of stillness he recovered enough to reach underneath Ray and briskly stroke him to his own orgasm. 

Ray reached for some wet wipes and cleaned off his sticky abdomen and between his legs.  Mick did a quick clean up as well and pulled on the clean pair of boxers.  He noticed Ray watching him with a hopeful look.  “Relax, Ray,” he said fondly.  “Not gonna pop your cherry and leave.” 

Ray lay on his back, arms stretched above his head.  “Wow, and I was gonna say thanks for not making this weird.”

“You’re the one with the sparkly butt plug,” Mick teased as he shoved Ray over on the bunk and curled up next to him, draping an arm around his midsection.

“My choices were sparkly or blue, and I hated Avatar,” Ray said, yawning.  “Thanks, Mick.  I knew it would be good with you.”

“Less talking, more napping.”

xxx

Obviously Mick was cool with little cuddling after sex.  It was nice to be with Ray and _not_ hear him talking. MIck let his own heavy eyelids fall for a few minutes, listening to Ray’s breaths become deeper and more evenly spaced.   As usual, it wasn’t very long before the nightmares started.   This time he was back in the chair, the Time Masters tearing away strips of his mind.  “What is your name?”  They bored into him until the voice that screamed, “I’m Mick fucking Rory!” was replaced by the dull refrain of “I am Chronos.”  He woke up with a jerk, immensely relieved not to find his body encased in that heavy armor.  He extricated himself from Ray and went off to get a beer.


	5. Pillow talk

Ray felt that the second best part of being with Mick, after the mind-blowing orgasms of course, was the time they spent quietly sharing each other’s space, during which they would have surprisingly intimate conversations.  In addition to the La-Z-Boy recliner he’d acquired and dubbed “Mick’s chair,” Ray kept a shrunken down air mattress in his room so they could have space to lie side by side, sometimes touching, sometimes not, and just relax.  

One night Ray asked Mick, “Do you have a type?”

“Huh?”

“Of man that you’re attracted to?”

“Is ‘wants to do it with me’ a type?”

“Ohhkay.”

“Just ask, Ray.”

“You’re my only point of reference for this, other than the internet.  I’m not as built as you.  I’m not a bear, and I’m not a twink…”

“You been reading gay Wikipedia?”

“Yeah kinda.  I just don’t know if I’m what you usually like.”

“You’re a person.  I like having sex with people, and maybe hot aliens if they exist.  I don’t have a type.  Usually I’m someone’s type and they find me.”

xxx

Of course there were occasions when Mick was the inquisitive one.

“Tell me something, Haircut. You ever give it to bird girl so good her wings popped out?”

Ray covered his face with his hands and groaned.  “Once, and I don’t know if it had anything to do with me or not. Frankly it was terrifying.”

“Yeah?”  Mick seemed intrigued. “Boner killer?”

“Surprisingly no.  I don’t think my body knew what to do so I just lay there and let her finish while hoping to survive.”

“Good idea, play dead. Chicks love that.

“Sorry, I’ll bet Carter handles it like a champ.”

“Hmf—only thing Carter does better than you is die.”

Mick grabbed Ray’s tablet and began looking through his browser history.  “Since when are you watching porn, boy scout? Huh—is that supposed to look like me?”

Ray sighed.  “Insofar as he is man, bald, and muscular—all right,yes, it’s porn you.”

“You know you can see me naked pretty much whenever you want?’

“I know.  I found this before you were bare-assed in my room on a regular basis.”

“Shoulda asked earlier.  Speaking of which, what's going on here? No one wakes up one day and decides they want a dick up their ass.”

“Are you sure? I mean, in the history of sexuality…”

“Rayyy…”

“Okay, okay.  Obviously I already knew I liked anal penetration. If you’re going to snicker, I’m not talking.”

“That’d be a first.  Mm, sorry. Do go on, Raymond.”

“Doing your impression of Marty does not help.  Look, I won’t say I never thought about it because who hasn’t at least wondered what it would be like?  But I didn’t consider it desirable until, um, until you.”

“I ain’t that charming.”

“What you lack in charisma you make up for in raw appeal.”

“You sayin’ I’m meat?”

“No! I’m saying you’re a sexy beast and how could I possibly resist you?”

“Meat….animal…not liking where this is going.”

“Would you just take a compliment!”

xxx

And there were times when they just enjoyed each other's company.

“Ray I’ve been drinkin’ for awhile.  Whiskey dick ya know?”

“We can still hang out.  I downloaded a bunch of episodes of Law & Order.”

“I love courtroom procedurals.”

“I found several where the case is jeopardy due to police misconduct.”

“That's awesome.”


	6. Warm Nights and Cold Toes

Mick was able to add Ray to his daily routine without much difficulty.  He woke up, found food and beer, they looked for Rip and maybe fixed an anachronism.  Then he had time to screw around, or screw Ray, followed by more beer, nightmares, and finally some sleep.   Mick was glad Ray was aware of his disdain for public displays of affection, and it suited him just fine that Ray didn't seem eager to broadcast who he was spending his nights with.  From what Mick could recall, Ray’s relationship with bird girl had been a  spectacular failure.  Mick’s memories of that time were hazy.  He’d have to check with Gideon to be sure whether he'd even been on the Waverider during the break up.  Palmer hadn’t said anything about wanting to be exclusive either, though Mick was sure he wasn’t fucking anyone else.   There wasn’t time given the regularity with which he was jumping Mick.  Ray's libido was a welcome distraction from getting turned into a zombie or whatever weird shit happened in a given week.  

There were times when Ray's enthusiasm had to be reined in.  “Ease up there," Mick said as Ray coughed and gagged.  "You don't need to go all porn-star on me.”

“Sorry.  I’ve been practicing—on toys.  I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.”

“You make me feel plenty good.  Can’t exactly fake it ya know.”

“How come you don’t like being penetrated?”

“From blow job to personal question in less than a minute.  That’s a new record.  And I never said I didn’t like it.  I said I didn’t like being surprised.  You get a couple acrylic nails shoved up your ass with no warning you’d be a little gun shy too.”

“So maybe someday…”

“Maybe someday.  It’s just been a long time since anyone asked.  Most people just expect me to top, so I do.”

“But you like it, right?”

“Are you talking about anal penetration, Raymond?”

“Ugh, do not talk like Stein when we’re naked. You know it gives me the creeps.”

“Duh.”

“Answer the question.”

“It ain’t bad.  Don’t think I’ve ever liked it as much as you seem to.”

“Mister Rory, you’re just spectacularly good at destroying…my butt.”

“Was that supposed to sound like Rip?”

“Yeah, no good?”

“I kinda want to punch you, so not half bad.”

xxx

Unfortunately weird turned to terrifying when he started seeing Snart. Mick couldn’t to ask Gideon for help.  He was sure she'd report him to Sara if she thought he was unstable.  At first Snart would just appear for a minute, give him shit, and pop off again.  Mick figured he'd dealt with worse.  And there was no point in dwelling on the negative.  Haircut flashed a secret smile at Mick, and said, “I’m free tonight,” which actually meant, “Treat me like your fuck toy.”   Mick wasn't made of stone.  They’d stopped trying to use the bed, given that they inevitably tumbled out of it.  Ray had come up with some sort of air mattress that was surprisingly comfortable for both sex and sleep.  One night, as Mick was getting him ready and Ray was talking between moans, he said, “I think, given how often we're both in the infirmary, that it's safe to say we're both in good health.  That is, if you didn’t want to wear a condom this time-or ever again- that’d be okay with me.  I mean, I’d like to feel you.”  He turned a lovely shade of red as he said the last part.  Mick pretended not to find it adorable. 

“You’re the boss,” he said, and hitched Ray’s legs up around his waist.  Mick had realized early on that having Ray writhe beneath him was one of his favorite things.  Ray’s hands were always moving, roaming across Mick's back and shoulders even rubbing the stubble on his scalp.  Mick liked having such an enthusiastic partner.   He decided to have some fun; moving Ray from one position to another, finding the best angle for them both to lose control.  Ray moaned and chanted Mick's name with each thrust.  It was freakin' musical.  

When they were done Mick collapsed next to Ray, both of them breathing hard and overheated. Ray broke the silence.  “That was amazing,” he exclaimed, voice full of wonder.

“Yeah,” was all Mick could eke out while his heart still raced. 

Ray went on.  “I didn’t know it could feel like that. You just make me feel so good.”

Mick turned away for a second, not sure what to do with such praise.  It was a far cry from the usual bullshit people mumbled as they pulled on their clothes and scurried away from whatever flophouse or abandoned garage he’d brought them to but definitely did expect them to stay. Ray grabbed a blanket and covered them both as he nestled into the crook of Mick’s arm and pressed light kisses to his chest.  “Thank you,” he whispered several times before drifting off. 

Mick’s face hurt and it took him a minute to realize it was because he was smiling.  They did have a great time.  He liked being with Ray – in and out of bed. He thought this might be what happy feels like.  Mick was almost asleep himself when he heard a familiar drawl. “My my, this is a surprise.”  Mick kept his eyes shut tight.  It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real.  Len was dead.  But not seeing it didn’t make him go away.  “Mick Rory all grown up.  No more gutter sluts and wide-eyed twinks.  He got a boy scout into bed.”

Mick’s eyes snapped open and he stared into the corner of the room where he swore Len was standing. He hoped if he didn’t talk back it would go away. But it continued.  “Yes, I knew about your little Grindr habit.  Nothing to be ashamed of, Mick, but really one and done is the smart way to play.”

Mick’s face burned and his chest felt tight. “Shut up, Snart,” he mumbled, pulling Ray closer in hopes of dispelling the ghost by clinging to something real. It worked.  Snart was gone, but Mick knew he couldn’t stay.  He extricated himself from Ray’s embrace, got dressed, and left.

To his surprise, Ray woke up and found him in the kitchen.  “Late night sandwich time?”

“Best time,” Mick replied.  “Try out new combinations and no one judges."

Ray nodded.  "Sounds great.  Pass me those hot pepper rings."

"Do you even like these?" Mick asked him, skeptically.

"No idea!" Ray replied. 

It turned out that they were not Ray's cup of tea.  Instead he spread Cheez Whiz on a gluten free cracker and topped it with salami.  "Much better." 

Ray made a weird face and stood up to look where he'd been sitting.

"What's with you?" Mick asked through a mouthful of sandwich.

"I thought I sat in something, cuz...Oh..."  Ray froze as the realization hit him.  Mick tried not to choke.

"Are you laughing at me?”

“Hm, hm, no.”

“Look, I’ve been very clear about my lack of experience.  I didn’t know this was going to happen.”

“What goes in, comes out, Ray.”

“It doesn’t seem like so much when it’s going in.”

“Mmmf.” 

“I **know** I sound ridiculous, all right?  Ewww, it’s all cold now.  How do women put up with this for babymaking?  This is gross.  Men are gross.”

“Ah ha ha ha ha...”

When they got back to Ray's room, Mick started to nod off. Ray, apparently less so. 

“Mick…Mick are you asleep?”

“Not now, idiot.”

“I’m cold. Can we spoon?”

“Fine, but keep your icicle toes to yourself.”

“C’mon, they’re not that cold.”

“Augh! Dammit, Ray!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing my head cannon regarding Gideon as Mick's doctor and shrink.


	7. Heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is food and feelings

“Gideon, do you think Ray in love with me?” Mick tried to sound disinterested.

“I cannot discern Doctor Palmer’s emotional state.  However, extrapolating from the amount of time spent with you and various statements he has made, I believe I can safely say that he is very fond of you.” 

“Guess that’s all right.  How’s my blood look?”

“I can no longer detect the metabolites of the substitution regimen.  You have completed the withdrawal program and are free from the Time Masters’ chemical influence.  However…”

“Still have to deal with my head,” Mick acknowledged grimly.

“Correct.  Your brain is still healing; the rerouting of pathways around the damaged areas is incomplete.  If you would allow me to perform another full scan…”

“I can’t sit still that long.  I just can’t.”

“Your trepidation is understandable, Mister Rory.  Perhaps you would feel more secure if someone sat with you for the duration of the scan.”

“Nice try, Gideon. Don’t need anyone else fussing over me.  Now, if we’re done I have somewhere to be.”

“Indeed.  Judging by his heart rate, Doctor Palmer eagerly anticipates your visit.”

“Gideon! No peeking.  Ray’s not a show off.”

“Mister Rory, we still need to address your hypertension.”

“Good night, Gideon.”

xxx

Ghost Snart had started making regular appearances, honing in on Mick’s insecurity about being part of a team as well as and his partnership with Ray.  Mick didn’t like dealing with feelings.  They usually reminded him of tiny bugs that crawled over his skin.  When they got too big to ignore they needed to be squashed or drowned in beer.

The last couple years had offered a range of experiences, and new feelings, for Mick.  Often they were pleasant, and he tried to enjoy them a little bit before pushing them down.  He would never have anticipated the rush that came with teaming up with the Flash and Skirt to save the world from aliens. That definitely called for a celebration, but as much as he liked the free booze, Mick was itching to get back to the familiar surroundings of the ship.   While Ray was celebrating with his hero friends Mick briefly considered trying to find someone willing to join him in a deserted part of the aircraft hangar for a post mission debriefing.  But it seemed like a lot of work, compared to Ray, who was a sure thing and looking damn fine in his ATOM gear. 

“Hey Mick, you wanna get a drink?”  Ray appeared holding a bottle of champagne and nodding toward the Waverider.

“Hell yes,” Mick replied. 

They were all over each other as soon as the loading bay door closed.  Ray was kissing, groping, and undressing him all at the same time.  It was clear that they were both high on adrenaline and in no hurry to come down.  Mick half picked up – half dragged – Ray down the corridor.  They tripped over each other’s feet and fell into Ray’s room.

“Aliens!” Ray declared as he pulled off his shirt. 

“Aliens,” Mick agreed, tearing open the front of Ray’s pants, popping the button clear across the room.  “Did **not** know who they were messing with. God I love your ATOM panties.”

“My what?”

“These little things you wear under your suit,” Mick explained, snapping the elastic of the tight briefs Ray had on.  “They barely cover your ass and make your package look like a damn present.”

“So unwrap me.”

Mick managed to yank down the thin cotton and grab Ray's ass for second before he was shoved into the corner of the room.   “We’re heroes,” Ray asserted.  Carried away by Ray’s enthusiasm, Mick stood still while his jeans and underwear were pushed to the floor and he was toppled backward into the recliner.  Following a quick squirt of lube in the general vicinity of Mick’s crotch, Ray straddled him, rocking himself onto Mick’s cock.  It was hot, but more than a little rough. “Saved the whole damn world-oh!”

Mick steadied Ray with firm hands on both hips.  “Whoa, Hero.  You okay there?”

Ray beamed, raising himself up only to drop back down again. “Better than okay.  I got to see you today, from above.  I was dropping Dominators and you were frying ‘em.  You look amazing when you’re fighting. Your muscles are all tense and you get this determined look on your face.  I wanted you so badly I could hardly wait.”  He groaned and let his head fall forward.  

Mick laughed.  “Didn’t know I had such an effect on you,” he said, trying not to let it show how much the feeling was mutual. 

“You do and it’s not just me.  Had to get you away from the party before panties started flying at you.” 

He thrust his hips upward, making Ray gasp.  “More than one pair you think?”

Ray kissed him hard on the mouth before moaning in his ear, “At least three, counting mine.”

“Good thing we left some for Sara.”

Ray braced himself against the wall behind Mick’s head, babbling in an increasingly filthy manner.  “Want you to come in me,” he panted.  “Wanna get all sticky and full.” Mick shuddered.

“That’s a 180, Haircut.”

Ray flashed a feral grin.  “Dammit Mick, when I’m riding your cock you could call me by my name.”  He bent down so he could capture Mick’s right nipple between his teeth.

“Ahhh, shit.  Yes, sir, ATOM sir.”

Ray was gorgeous;  sweat soaked bangs plastered to his forehead, the muscles of his smooth thighs clamped to the sides of Mick’s own scarred ones.   He took hold of Ray’s dick with one hand and the back of his head with the other, devouring his mouth and only slightly muffling their mutual cries of pleasure. 

Afterward, far from being tired, Ray seemed invigorated.  “Are you hungry?” he asked, pulling on some sweats.  “I’m hungry.  I want a sandwich.”  Mick shrugged and followed Ray to the kitchen. 

Sitting side by side, making ridiculously complicated sandwiches, Ray’s brain was still in overdrive.  “I’ve been wondering- so I’m asking– you’re still attracted to women, right? I mean, I’ve noticed a few, but it’s not like before.  I think it’s because you have my complete attention.  But it’d be normal I guess.”

Mick waited for Ray's to take a breath, or at least another bite.   “We just beat the hell out of a bunch of aliens with the help of a chick from another Earth who can fly.  You might wanna stop worrying about what’s normal.  But since you asked, I like turkey,” he said simply, indicating the sandwich in his hands.  “I like ham too.  But I got turkey right here, so why go looking for ham?”

“That seems reasonable. One more question.  It’s personal, so if you want to tell me to shut up…”

“Shut up,” Mick interjected half-heartedly.

“How come you talk about hot chicks all the time, but never guys?  I mean, we’re doing…stuff. You’ve been with guys before, and it’s not like we don’t hear Sara talk all the time about both.”

Mick took a minute to formulate his answer, considered not saying anything, and then gave it a shot.  “It’s easier with chicks-women. People see me and they expect that kind of thing; the meathead who likes tits and ass - and I do.  Plus, ya know, people like to make jokes about guys who come out of the joint queer.  Which ain’t what happened.” Mick paused, definitely feeling tightness in his chest, but he wanted to finish his line of reasoning.  “I know what we’re doin’ ain’t okay with a lot of people and I don’t need that fight. Got enough to worry about.  That answer your question?”

Ray nodded.  “Yeah, thank you. It actually helps me out a lot.”

When they were finished eating Ray was still looking antsy.   “Look um, I was thinking I…”

“Would let me kill this beer before you start talking again?”

“I was thinking maybe we could do it again.”

“Eat?”

“Fuck.  I mean if you’re up for it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean if you don’t think you _can_ go for round two that’s fine.  I’m not even sure I can finish again, but I still feel…open, and I want _more_.”  

Mick felt something animal in him rising to the surface.  He’d show Ray round two.  “Wanna do it right here?”  He suggested with a leer, expecting refusal.

Instead Ray spoke up, “Gideon are we the only ones on board?”

“You and Mister Rory are indeed the only crew on the Waverider at present.”

Ray stood up and leaned over the table, his rear end angled upward.  “Yeah, right here.”

Mick stood up and commenced nailing Ray over the kitchen table, much to Ray’s delight and encouraging cries of “harder, faster.” 

When they were done Ray said, “Okay I definitely gotta clean up now.  See you in a few minutes.”

Mick sauntered down the hall in a haze of contentment, his head buzzing with the delightful absence of thought.  By the time Ray got back to his room Mick was already snoring. 

Xxx

It was almost morning when he sat bolt upright, gasping for air and trying to remember where he was.  Ray reached out and held Mick’s wrist gently.  “It’s all right. You’re safe. It was just a dream.”  Mick got up and grabbed his clothes.  Ray tried to reassure him.  “Hey, you don’t have to go.”

“Yeah, I do.  Can’t sleep after that.”

“Do you want to talk about it? No questions. I swear I’ll just listen.”

“What’s to say?  Snart’s gonna kill me - doesn’t, Time Masters show up - Chronos - Blood and death.”

“Mick, please stay.”

“Later, Haircut.”

 xxx

One evening they lay looking up at the ceiling, onto which Ray had projected the stars as seen in the sky from Central City.   Mick was having trouble collecting his thoughts.  “Amaya said I was a good man,” he said dully.

Ray huffed quietly.  “I’ve said that several times, but if Amaya said it, it must be true.  She’s a woman and has magic powers.”

“Shut up, Haircut.”

“Yup, just a nice haircut lying here next to the good man.”

"What's your problem tonight?"

"It's nothing," Ray lied.  "Okay I'm not happy with how I behaved today.  Nate and I were bickering like kids.  He was right, so why did it bug me so much?"

"Cuz you hate being wrong more than I hate sprouts on sandwiches." 

That got a chuckle out of Ray, who snuggled up and went to sleep.  Mick stared at the fake stars and kept playing the day over in his mind.  He thought he _might_ be a good man someday, but not yet.  Even if Ray believed it, lying here like they were sweethearts or something, Mick knew different.  Ray was too kind to look close enough.  Eventually he would see how rotten Mick was deep down, and then all this nice cozy bullshit would be over and done with.  Not like there was ever going to be a future for them anyway.  Not how it worked for people like Mick.  

xxx

Mick ended up begging Doctor Stein for help. The alternative was cracking up in front of everyone, which terrified Mick more than anything Ghost Snart said.  Stein explained that Snart wasn’t really there, but a trick his mind was playing; a manifestation of his suppressed emotions. 

Gideon did not to let him off so easily.  “I’ve noticed a substantial decrease in the amount of time spent with Doctor Palmer.  Have you had a falling out?”

“No, just got other things going on.”

“Like hallucinations you were not going to report to me.  Mister Rory I comprehend the difference between having people to _believe_ you are crazy and actually being out of your mind, but if had you come to me sooner I could have spared you considerable distress.”

“You’re not gonna rat me out?”  Mick knew Gideon could see his heart racing.

“I am under no obligation to report your medical or psychological status to Captain Lance as long as you do not pose a threat the safety of the crew, or yourself. Now, I suggest you take it easy this evening.   I believe Doctor Palmer would not mind if you occupied the chair in his quarters.  After all, he acquired it with you in mind.”

“Didn’t ask him to do that.  Never asked him for anything.  And you can butt out. I’m taking the damn medicine even though it’s making me swell up.”

“The glove and boot linings I fabricated should help control the edema.”

“Yeah great.”

"If you would curtail your alcohol consumption other avenues of treatment would be open."

"Nope. Not letting you take all my fun away."

 

 


	8. What I have to give

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch for POV shifts between sections.

Mick wasn’t the only one who had nightmares.  Ray did his best to be quiet when he woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and wracked with a guilt he felt might follow him to the grave.  But either Mick was a light sleeper, or he’d never been asleep at all.  Ray would be encircled by strong arms and pulled close in a comforting bear hug that made it easy for him to fall asleep again. 

Ray was proud of his ability to avoid touching Mick in public.  While he was an openly affectionate person, Mick was not, and Ray respected his partner’s boundaries.   Some days it was terribly hard to keep his hands to himself.  Once, when the urge to touch was so strong it was making him irritable, he cornered Mick in the lab and risked sneaking a quick kiss.  Mick didn’t seem too upset.  “What’s got you goin’ this morning?” 

“I really want you to come over tonight. So if you’re not in the mood or busy with something please tell me now and I won’t wait up.”

Mick looked amused.  “Relax, Ray.  I can fit you into my busy schedule.”

That night, Ray paced in his room while he waited.  The atmosphere aboard the Waverider was tense and heavy. Rip was back, and they had the Spear.  But no one knew what they were going to do.  Ray really wanted someone to tell him everything would be all right, but would settle for the security of Mick’s embrace.  Ray hadn’t set out to cast Mick in the role of supportive boyfriend, but he got the part anyway.  They didn't enjoy candle lit dinners or share private jokes while surrounded by the team.  They did have _some_ common interests, but Ray didn’t give a damn about football and Mick’s only concern for the A.T.O.M suit was that it worked when Ray needed it to.    Still, Mick had come to occupy a central part in Ray’s emotional support structure.  Of course there was sex, and it was fantastic.  There was lots of stuff Ray still wanted to try, and he was blown away at how open Mick was about it.  He never made Ray feel weird or uncomfortable; asking where he got such a strange idea.  There was a freedom in their time together that Ray had never known.  That night he hoped he could give Mick a taste of that liberation.

Mick barely had a chance to lock the door before Ray jumped up to pin him against the wall; reaching under his shirt, searching hungrily for skin.  Ray knelt on the floor and undid the zip of Mick’s jeans.  He covered the cotton-covered bulge that was revealed with his mouth and breathed in Mick’s scent.  Ray knew he was being more aggressive than usual, but refused to question his instincts.  Whispering a few words, the lights dimmed and the two men were bathed in a glow as if the the room were illuminated by candle light.  “Nice atmosphere,” Mick observed.  “Gonna throw some rose petals down too?”

Ray rolled his eyes.  “Romance is wasted on you, and I don’t have the patience anyway.  I need you to touch you.”  He tugged Mick’s jeans down to his ankles.  “Boots off.”

Mick toed them off silently and remained standing until Ray motioned for him to kneel on the floor as well.  Ray kissed him soundly, holding his face gently in his hands.  Then, pressing his chest flush with Mick’s, Ray angled his head to keep their lips locked and pushed his tongue into Mick’s mouth, claiming it for his own.  Mick didn’t resist, just put his hands up to support Ray’s elbows.  Ray bent to fasten his mouth to the other man’s neck, tasting his skin and sweat. “I needed this – need you.” 

“All yours,” Mick replied. 

“Wanna feel you all over, inside and out.  Can…can I..?”

Mick swallowed. “Sure.  Go for it.”  Once permission was given, Ray returned to enthusiastically kissing and sucking at Mick's collarbone while letting his hands stroke up and down Mick’s bared thighs.  Soft sighs and moans were exchanged as Ray stopped touching only long enough to remove more clothing.  Ray had Mick lie back on the mattress and then ran his open mouth across his collar bone and down his sternum.  He placed hot kisses on his abdomen and the juncture of his hip and groin.  He nipped and sucked at Mick’s hip, making him squirm a bit.   Ray stripped off Mick’s gloves and ran his tongue up and down each finger, sucking on the thumbs wetly. 

xxx

Mick’s breathed heavily.  Being the object of Ray’s devoted attention made him uneasy.  Fortunately when his cock was enveloped in damp heat he relaxed.  There was a sensation he was familiar with and could cling to. 

Ray gently nudged his thighs apart, stroking the skin there which was terribly sensitive in contrast to the opposite scarred sides.  Mick shuddered and braced himself.  He hadn’t lied.  He didn’t _hate_ being penetrated, but it had been an awfully long time, and it had never felt as good as he hoped it would.  But he’d agreed to give it a try and wouldn’t back out now.  He kept his eyes closed, listening to Ray snap the cap of a bottle of lube and gasped when a slicked finger probed him.  Ray steadied him with one hand on his hip and slowly eased his index finger inside.  Mick was pleased there was only slight discomfort.  Ray might have long fingers, but they weren’t awfully thick.  There was an awful feeling of impatience until Ray found the spot inside him that made his hips jerk.  “Oh,” was all he could say as his brain reminded his body that it did in fact like being touched there.   There was some nice sucking while Ray worked a finger in and out.  Mick let his thighs fall apart, giving Ray full access. 

“Good?” Ray asked softly.

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice hoarse. It really was good, being touched like this, but it was weird not having to do anything.  He couldn’t believe Ray wanted to touch his big dumb body so tenderly.  Then there was pressure and he grimaced a second finger was introduced.  Mick pulled back a bit, not enjoying the stretch.  Ray  stopped. 

“Hey, that’s okay.  There’s something else we can try.  Just relax.” Ray withdrew his fingers and Mick was disappointed in himself.  But while Ray was rubbing gentle circles on his stomach he felt something slim and rubbery between his legs. 

“What the?”

“Shhhh, trust me.  This will be good.” Mick was doubtful, but Ray was still stroking and kissing and sucking and so he went along with it.  The thing, clearly a toy of some sort, slid easily inside him and there was no burn like he had feared.  The head bumped against his prostate and buzzed a little. 

“Huh?”

“Shh,” Ray whispered.  “Let me make you feel good.” 

Mick lost track of time, and everything really, as Ray used whatever that thing was to take him  some other place other than his own head.  The momentary embarrassment over spreading his legs wide and loud moaning faded into a haze of uncomplicated bliss. All that mattered was the little thing touching him deep inside and Ray’s voice.  “That’s it, you can let go.  You wanna come now?”

Mick bit his lip and nodded, afraid if he spoke his voice would crack.  The buzzing intensified and Mick felt something uncoil inside him.  His back arched and he gripped the sheets in his fists.  Mouth hanging open, a sound burbled out of him that felt like it was coming from someone else.  He felt his cock jerk and spasm and only realized he was ejaculating when he felt wetness on his legs.   Ray kept the thing inside him for a bit while he nibbled gently on Mick's nipples and made his body shake a few more times.  “Ohhhhh,” Mick sighed finally as Ray pulled the thing out and began wiping him down.    


“Good, yeah?”  Ray sounded like he was far away.

“Mmm-yeah.”

“That’s how good **you** make me feel,“ Ray said, kissing his neck. “Warm, safe, good inside and out.  Like nothing bad could happen to me.  I wanted you to know what it’s like for me, making love with you.”

Ray pulled a blanket over them, and laid his head on Mick’s chest .

“Did you? Thought you wanted…” Mick was having a terrible time making words come out. 

Ray chuckled softly. “Yeah, I did.  Cleaned us both off your legs.”

“Ohhhhkay.”

Mick was asleep in minutes. 

xxx

Ray got up to put the toy away and caught sight of himself in the mirror.  He noticed a tiny bit of gray in his hair, and small purple bruise on his neck.  It surprised him how comfortable he was with both.  He felt a childish urge to show them off, followed by a surge of confidence that he didn't owe anyone in the world an explanation of who he slept with and what he liked in bed.   Ray lay down next to Mick, watching his chest rise and fall.  He thought of all the things he had once believed would make his life worthwhile compared to what he had now, and he knew this was what he wanted.  Even if Mick never wanted to hold his hand in the park, declare his love on the beach, or put a let Ray put a ring on his finger.  They had something real and it was enough.  They could have something good together. 

xxx

Mick was dreaming, and it was even worse than when he was awake.  Ghost Snart was needling him while Mick stood outside himself, looking at his body and Ray’s curled up together. 

“C’mon Mick, look at that stupid soft face of his.  He believes in happy endings, but someday he'll see the truth.”

“What’s that?”

“That you’re a monster.  You can play kissy-face and pretend to be his sweetheart, but you know what you’ve done - the bodies laid at your door, mine included.”

Mick’s heart felt like it was in a vise.  He knew he’d let Len down; held him back as he was trying to become something new.  Len left him behind, found him again, and died anyway.  In his core Mick _knew_ he didn’t deserve to be walking around while his best friend was not. 

Suddenly the scene changed as if he was he was watching a movie, but then he was in the movie, watching himself put his arm into the machine to keep the failsafe active.  Only this time Len didn’t knock him out and take his place.  There was a blinding light and he began to disintegrate.  Suddenly he was on fire again, and this time it hurt so much.  He could smell his own skin burning as Len was telling him.  “You don’t get to be good, Mick.  Not after so much bad.” 

He awoke to the taste of blood in his mouth, having bitten his tongue.   Mick got up and staggered to the bathroom where he vomited and hugged himself tightly in an effort to control the shaking.   “Gideon, please,” he begged aloud. “Make it stop.”

  
“I’m sorry, Mister Rory, but as we have discussed I cannot give you what you are asking for.  The damage the drugs have already done to your long-term health is significant.”

He roared and banged his head against the wall.  “Fuck long-term.  I’m dying now!”

“Do you wish me to summon Doctor Palmer?”

“No!” 

Mick slid to the floor, pressing his cheek to the cool tile until he passed out. 

xxx

Things got too damn complicated with the Spear and Ghost-Snart.  Then they were in World War One, and Snart from the past showed up.  Mick’s head ached more than he had thought was possible.   He stood on the bridge of the Waverider, rooted to the spot, eyes darting from his team to their future selves.  Where was Amaya? Where was Ray?  He felt sick to his stomach as his future self pronounced them dead in a hollow monotone.  How could he be so calm about it?  Why didn't he save them?  He looked himself in the eyes and knew.  This was all his fault. 

Mick felt like everything was swaying and his feet were sinking in to the floor.  He couldn’t breathe.  It was too much.  But he had to keep going.  The others wouldn’t listen – wouldn’t see that this was going to get them all killed.  Couldn’t they just go to Aruba?

They got through it by the skin of their teeth, but messed up everything.  Sara said they broke time, and Mick was at his limit for this shit.  If he was going to lose his mind again it couldn’t be in front Ray.  He ran away.  He had to get to Aruba.  Everything would be okay in Aruba. 

 


	9. Is this real life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jump to the beginning of Season 3

After being unceremoniously kicked off the Waverider by Rip’s new Time Bureau, Mick fled immediately.  Martin and Jax went home.  Nate and Amaya got an apartment.  Ray and Sara struggled to build new lives.   No one wanted to admit defeat, but it was hard to remain hopeful.  There were a lot of time spent commiserating at bars.  

One evening Nate finally admitted Ray would have made a good G-man because he was honest to a fault.  That sparked Amaya’s recollection of the evening she and Ray had been awakened by Nate's loud music.  Ray had repeatedly insisted he and Amaya were **not** sleeping together, though no one had even suggested it.  . Ray mumbled something about avoiding misunderstandings.

Sara, who was at least five drinks ahead of the rest of them, said, “Ray learned his lesson about shipboard romances the hard way.”

Amaya smiled and took Nate’s hand in hers.

“He’s just so darn charming,” Nate teased.  “Heck for awhile there I thought he had something going with Mick.”   He elbowed Ray in the side and laughed.

Sara snorted. “I can already imagine the three-tier doughnut cake at the wedding.”

“I miss him,” Amaya confessed.   

Nate raised his glass, “To Mick - may Aruba be everything he hopes it is.”

Glasses clinked, and when Sara glanced across the table she caught sight of Ray’s pained expression.

As everyone was leaving Sara followed Ray out to the curb where he was getting into a cab.  “I didn’t know,” she said quickly.  “I swear I didn’t know until just now.”

Ray shrugged.  “It doesn’t matter.  He left me just like everyone else.”

xxx

The next week Sara came to Ray’s apartment. “I came to apologize.  I brought pizza.” 

Ray got beer from the fridge and they sat on the futon that served as Ray’s couch and bed.  Sara began sifting through the stack of self-help books sitting on the crates he was using as a coffee table.  “Wow, this is a lot of heavy reading, Ray.”

She began to read off the titles aloud.  “Emotional Intelligence, Raising your Sexual Self Esteem, Monogamy, The Mask of Masculinity, Men Are From Mars; Mick Rory is from Central City – okay that’s very specific.”

Ray half-smiled.  “You didn’t say anything to Nate and Amaya, did you?  I don’t think they would understand.”

Sara shook her head.  “I’m sorry, Ray.  First I make some crack about Kendra, and then I follow it up with Mick.  I’ve been a crappy friend lately.”

Ray swallowed and looked away.  He gestured toward the books.  “We’re all struggling to find our footing.  I’m trying to figure things out as best I can.  Sometimes I almost call Felicity, but when I pick up the phone I think about how she would probably feel sorry for me, or maybe laugh.  Part of me knows she wouldn’t. She’s a good person.  But there’s a tiny chance she would, so I just put the phone down again, and I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

Sara scooted closer nudged his shoulder with hers.  “You do now,” she stated firmly.  They ate pizza and bitched about their jobs for awhile, and then Sara broke the ice.

“I didn’t know Rory was bisexual,” she admitted.  “Or that you were. After you broke up with Kendra you were always reminding us about your status as an eligible a bachelor.” 

“Mick has his own reasons for not sharing.  As for me, I didn’t know, or didn’t think I knew.  Anyway it’s new-ish.  Look, I have to warn you.  Once I start I’m probably just going to keep talking _at_ you.  I’ve been holding a lot in.”

Sara chuckled.  “Lay it on me, Ray.”

Ray looked relieved.  “Thanks.  The thing is that I don’t entirely understand what's going on with my sexuality.  Mick’s the only man I’ve ever had sex with.  I know I’ve loved women – two of whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Anna loved me, and I know I loved her.  I’m not questioning that.  But when she was killed – when I couldn’t save her – there was this little voice in the back of my mind telling me it was my fault because I hadn’t been enough of a man.”  He paused for a moment, took a deep breath and continued.

“I worked so hard to get stronger and, I thought, tougher.  I threw myself into my company, convinced I could make the world better.  I was pretty popular with the ladies then, and after Kendra dumped me I liked to remind myself of that time.  It’s not hard to find dates when you’re a billionaire and you aren’t too hard on the eyes, or so I’ve been told.  But being surrounded by women who want to go to dinner, or even bed, with you isn’t the same as them liking you.  Most didn’t as it turns out.  I know I’m a bit too much sometimes.  

When I met Felicity I was so excited to find someone I knew would understand me, and she did.  She just couldn’t love me – not like she loves Oliver.  And then Rip asked me to join up to go after Savage. Easy decision, right?  Oliver had Star City covered, but I could still be a hero. 

I honestly couldn’t tell you why I fell in love with Kendra.   Looking back it was probably for the wrong reasons.  Maybe it would have been just a fling if we hadn’t gotten stuck in 1958.  It made me happy then to protect her and provide a good life.  Turns out she didn’t want either of those things and I was smothering her.  Granted, I didn’t understand this cosmic love across time thing she and Carter have. But while she broke my heart, and I was angry at her for a long time, it honestly scares me more to imagine us being married and making each other miserable. Whoa, I need a drink.”  Ray stood up abruptly and went to the kitchen for another beer. He returned and handed Sara a second bottle. 

Sara grinned.  “Damn, Ray, these books did you some good.”

For the first time that evening, Ray smiled back.  “Yeah well, they still can’t answer all my questions.”

“Like why you fell in love with a man?”

“It was different with Mick.  We were friends first.  I really liked him, and it was great that he always wanted me to be myself, even if I annoyed him.  If he needed space he’d just grunt, wander off and go get a beer.  The sex is the hardest part for me.”

Sara raised an eyebrow and Ray chuckled nervously.  “I mean obviously it wasn’t difficult.  Sex is fun - the kind of fun I don’t usually have on a whim.  I always wanted it to be something special and with someone I had feelings for.   I know not everyone is like that, and I don’t think it’s bad.  But with Mick I just _wanted_ to do it, and I actually did!  I didn’t feel the least bit guilty being with him.   He never made me feel bad or weird because I didn’t know how things go with two guys.”

Ray coughed, his face bright red.  Sara grinned.  “Oh Ray.  You’re right, you are different, but that’s what makes you- you. And I’m amazed at how self aware you are. It sounds like you guys were having a good time.  What happened?”

Ray’s shoulders drooped.  “I don’t know.  Just one day he didn’t want me anymore. I mean that’s what it seemed like to me.  Rip came back and we were worried about the Spear and there was less time to be together.  Before I knew it, there were whole days we didn’t speak to each other. You know, it wasn’t just sex, Sara.  There was kissing and talking; laughing and sandwiches.”

“Sandwiches?”

“Mick’s surprisingly talkative after he’s eaten, or after, well, you know.  We actually had some decent conversations, late at night when it was just us.” Ray swallowed hard.  “So maybe it wasn't love, but I lost my friend, and that hurts a lot.”  Ray sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.  “Thanks for listening.  I don’t know what else there is to say.”

“Ray, I don’t know what to say that would make you feel better, so I'm not gonna try.  I’ll just agree with you.  It does hurt to lose someone you cared about like that.  I’m sorry. We’ll get through this somehow.  We’re not done being a team.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm relying on my memory of Season 3, Episode 1.


	10. Broken up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team is back together, but Ray's more fragile than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Season 3 up through Crisis on Earth X. Seriously, if you haven't seen the crossover you might wanna wait.

When the team was reunited in Aruba Ray didn’t know if he should slug Mick or hug him.  He decided to pretend everything was fine.  After all, what was important was returning the Legends to their rightful position.  Personal matters could wait.  The team came first. 

He waited for Mick to say something – anything, but while they were fixing time there never seemed to be enough time for the two of them to talk.  Sometimes Mick would leave the room when Ray entered.  He perfected his blank expression so no one would know how much that hurt him. 

Mick was clearly dealing with something on his own.  Ray just couldn’t figure out what it was.  Mick’s mood seemed to swing wildly, but there were days he seemed almost serene.  He was openly wearing the glasses Ray knew he needed, and reading actual books.  Ray longed to ask him what had changed, but was afraid to be told it was no longer any of his business.  

Suddenly they had a new crew member, and Ray worked hard to make Zari feel welcome.  Nate and Amaya had broken up.  Martin and Jax needed his help.  Ray didn’t want the cause of any more trouble on the Waverider by being weird around Mick.  He resolved to let go of what had passed between them. He went back to hugging his pillow and remembering what it had been like to be held in the dark. 

It was strange to see himself as a child and have all the insecurities that had plagued him throughout his life brought out in the open where everyone could see.  But when team all stood up for little Ray he felt like things just might work out after all.  They could all still be friends.  He regretted messing things up in the first place by wanting things he shouldn’t have.  

xxx

Running on adrenaline again battling the Earth-X Nazis, Ray didn’t have any trouble pushing aside small twinges of sadness that came with seeing happy couples reunited or good friends relieved to find each other unharmed.  There was no point in dwelling on the sight of Oliver and Felicity still so clearly in love, or Iris and Barry equally happy and about to embark on their lives as a married couple.  That wasn’t how his life would be and he had made peace with it. 

And then Martin died, and Jax left.  It was very quiet aboard the Waverider after Christmas.  Mick was hiding from Leo.   Nate and Amaya had each other, even if they weren’t technically a couple anymore.  Zari kept to herself, and Sara threw a lot of knives.  Ray was an expert at taking hurt and winding it tightly into a little ball he could tuck deep inside where it wouldn’t be seen.  He would be just fine. He always was.  

Ray started cleaning the lab, and thanks to the team’s general fondness for all things alcoholic he wasn’t feeling much of anything while he did it.  He started by carefully packing away all the equipment he’d used in the failed attempts to solve the Firestorm separation problem.  Of course, it hadn’t been him, but Cisco who had come up with the solution.  Team Flash had a nice set up at Star Labs.  It reminded Ray of what he had hoped Palmer Tech would be, before he destroyed it and selfishly ran off to play super hero. 

The more he drank, the less he cared about making sure every piece of equipment was stored in its place, every replicate analysis documented.  On the third day, he was backing up some files and noticed the date.  In an instant, his insides unwound and Ray chucked the bottle in his hand at the white board.  The glass shattering sounded almost musical, so he threw a couple more before sitting back to watch equations melt and run into a multi-colored pool. And then he opened another bottle.

Eventually they realized where he was.  Amaya tried to reach him first, but he ignored her; literally refusing to speak.  Then came Nate’s turn, and Ray had to bite his tongue to hold back a torrent of hateful things that some still rational part of him knew had nothing to do with Nate but his own foolish mistakes.  Finally, he crawled under a desk and sobbed quietly. He’d never felt so alone.

xxx

Nate came to Sara, because she was the captain and if anyone was going to make a decision to knock Ray out for his own good it should probably be her.  “I don’t know how long he’s been in the lab, and he just keeps drinking.  He grunted at Amaya and gave me some nonsense about people who pretend to like fondue.”

Sara drummed her fingers on the desk for a moment. “Gideon, cross reference the standard date with significant events in Ray’s life.  Go back a week.”

“Two days ago was the anniversary of Anna Loring’s death,” Gideon replied.

Nate groaned.  “Crap.  Who talked him down last year?”

“Martin.  This is bad.”

“What do you want to do?”

“I have an idea, but it’s a long shot.” 

Sara found Mick in the kitchen.  “Think you might be able to talk to Ray today? He’s having a rough time.”

Mick shook his head.  “Can’t help ya.”

“Mick, he’s taking this really hard, and it’s that time of year again.”

“Not my problem.”

Sara put her hands on the table and leaned closer.  “That’s it.  I’ve kept my mouth shut, not just because he asked me to, but because I thought you would figure a way back on your own.  But I’m done pretending that I’m okay with the way you’ve been ignoring him the last couple months.  All Ray wants is for you to be his friend, and for awhile there you convinced him that you were.”

Mick’s jaw clenched.  “Mind your own business, Blondie,” he growled.

Sara didn’t flinch.  “I would, if you weren’t too much of a coward to take care of yours.”

She walked out and retrieved Nate.  “Let’s do this,” she said wearily. 

They found Ray under the desk behind a fence made of beer bottles.  Nate tried to coax him out.  “C’mon Ray. Don’t do this to yourself. We can talk about it.”

Ray looked away.  Sara spoke to him kindly.  “We know we missed _the_ day. I’m sorry you spent it by yourself.”

“Better that way. I deserve to be alone. I ruin everything.”

“Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable in your own bed?”

“Don’t have a real bed.  Don’t have a job, or the only person who ever - wow, my brother was right.  I did amount to nothing.  And I thought he was stupid.”  With a laugh that was almost hysterical, he reached out to snag another beer.

Nate grabbed his arm and pulled him out.  Together he and Sara got Ray upright and he didn’t fight them as they half carried him to his room.  “Sara,” he whispered as she laid him on his bunk.  “If it wasn’t love, why does it hurt so bad?”

After twelve hours of fitful sleep, Ray emerged for water and painkillers.  He whispered apologies to Nate, Amaya, and Sara.

“Do you want to talk?” Amaya inquired.

“There’s nothing left to talk about, and it doesn’t make anything better anyway.”


	11. Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ending, or at least a resolution

“Miiick.”  The sound of that eerily familiar voice made Mick’s skin crawl.  “I couldn’t help but notice there’s trouble in the normally happy sunshine-y world of one Raymond Palmer.  Wanna clue me in?”

“None of your business, Sna…Leo.  Keep your creepy puppets away from him.  Ray doesn’t need anyone’s help.”

“Really? Because I see those big brown eyes turning your way on a regular basis.”

“Ray gives everybody that puppy look.  Ain’t anything special.”

“Hmm, sounds like you want to believe that.”

Leo was looking at him like he knew something secret, which was how Snart always looked whether he did or not.  Mick felt the urge to punch him.  “Leave it alone,” he repeated, his tone grave.

Leo pushed just a little  more.  “I thought there might be something between you and Raymond.”  Mick glared at him.  “Ahh I see.  There _was_ , but not now.  That’s a shame.” 

xxx

The day after Ray was dragged back into the land of the living Zari and Mick having lunch at the same time.  She tossed Mick the mustard and leaned back in her chair, propping her feet up on the table.  “What’s going on with Ray? He looked like shit this morning.”

Mick remained focused on his sandwich preparation.  “For the last time it is _not_ my problem.”

“Pfft, yeah whatever.” 

Mick slammed his plate down on the table.  “What’s that supposed to mean? Why does everybody think when it comes to Ray that I can magically make him better?” 

Zari swallowed a mouthful of sandwich and started counting off reasons on her fingers.  “First off, he and Nate might finish each other’s sentences and have this nerdy dude bro thing going, but out in the field Ray’s always got _your_ back.  Second, when we make supply lists he always puts down that disgusting cheese in a jar you like.”

Mick looked toward the cupboard where there always seemed to be Cheez Whiz.  He thought it was Gideon.

Zari continued.  “Third, I know you think it’s Amaya whose been doing your laundry, and this month it is because we drew straws, but Ray’s the only one brave enough to go into your room to get the pile so we can decide what gets washed and what needs to be incinerated.”

“Can do my own laundry,” Mick mumbled. 

“Yeah, but you don’t. Anyway, it looks to me like he’s trying to make up for pissing you off somehow.  So whether you’ve forgiven him or not, it’s still _your_ problem.”  Zari took another bite.  “Personally I don’t see what Ray could have done to make you mad at him forever.”

Mick’s appetite disappeared as it finally sank in how right she was.  “Ray didn’t do anything wrong,” he admitted.  “I should, uh, go check on him.”

Mick trudged toward Ray’s room slowly, trying to think of something he could say that would diffuse the situation, and, ideally get him out of this uncomfortable bind.  As he made the final turn down the corridor he heard what sounded like furniture breaking and then saw objects flying out of the room.  “Hey Haircut!” he shouted before entering the line of fire.  “You crackin’ up in there?”   Ray didn’t respond, but several books sailed through the open door.  Mick put his arms up to shield his face and stepped into the room.  When nothing hit him, he tried to play it cool, leaning against the wall while he figured out what to do next. 

Ray didn’t look up.  He was opening drawers and stuffing things into a large black bag.  The air mattress floor lay folded up in the middle of the room covered with trash.  “Since when do you hate books, or sleeping, or any of your stuff?”

“Feelings,” Ray said, as if that explained everything.  “There’s too many feelings in this room.  I can’t get rid of them, but I can get rid of the reminders.” Ray tossed him a small box.  “Here, you can probably find some use for that.”

Mick opened the box and found a small diamond ring inside. “Gosh Ray,” he said, about to say he wasn't the marrying type when he realized who the ring had been meant for.  Turned out she wasn’t the marrying Ray type. Instead he cleared his throat and snapped the box shut. “Look I know you’re mad at me, so if you want to punch me I’ll give you a free pass.”  Ray stopped and looked at him; just stared. His eyes were so full of pain and sadness, Mick felt like he _had_ been socked in the gut.

“If I was going to hit you I would have done it in Aruba,” Ray replied.  “I managed to suppress the urge then so you’re safe.” 

Mick scratched his head.  “Why in Aruba?”

“It was the first time I’d seen you in months, and you acted like nothing had happened.  Like you hadn’t just walked off and left us all without a goodbye.”

“Left you, you mean?” 

Ray took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Yeah, Mick, that’s what I meant.  One minute we were stopping the Legion from using the Spear, or using it again I guess.  I thought I saw you get killed, but it was future you, and then we apparently broke time and there were dinosaurs-again with the dinosaurs. And then you were gone.  No, ‘See ya, Ray.  Enjoy picking up the pieces of your life while I screw every Britney in paradise.’”

Mick got defensive. “There were a couple Ashleys.”

Ray threw his hands in the air.  “I don’t care!  But then we got the Waverider back, and I did my best topretend everything’s back to normal when it so is not.  For a while I wanted you to punch _me_ because at least then you would have acknowledge my existence.”

Mick thought for a minute and then stepped out into the hallway. “Hey Gideon, can you make sure everybody steers clear? Don’t need an audience for this.”

“Understood, Mister Rory.”

Mick came back to find Ray waiting, arms crossed and looking extremely agitated.  “How long do I have before they come with the strait jacket?”

“No one’s coming to get you.  I just figured you’d want some privacy if you’re gonna keep throwing crap and shouting at me.” Mick reached into his jacket pocket, searching for a familiar object before he remembered.  “I was gonna offer to burn your stuff for ya, but I don’t have the lighter anymore.”  Ray looked at the floor. 

“I know,” he said quietly.  “You gave it to Nate.  He showed me.”

Mick started tapping his foot on the floor.  All this honesty was making his stomach hurt.  “Is that what all this is about? Nate’s the pretty one now?” 

Ray’s seemed to give up on having an argument while upright and sat down cross-legged on the floor amidst the debris of his possessions. “No, Mick.  I’m glad you were able to let go of that lighter.  I’m truly happy that you are making connections with other people, and that they can see you in the same light I have for a long time.  Okay, I’m a little jealous because it’s the kind of thing you and I _used_ to talk about and I don’t know why you stopped.  Apparently I’m just as incapable of maintaining a relationship with a man as with a woman.”

Mick sighed and sat down on the floor across the room.  “Look Ray, I’ve had exactly zero _relationships_ like what you mean.  But I’m pretty sure they involve talking and feelings, both of which are on the list of the top ten things I ain’t good at. ”

“But I made it worse,” Ray stated with certainty.  “I didn’t know what I was doing and I just stumbled along like I always do and screwed everything up.”

Mick groaned and let his back of his head thud against the wall.  “It’s complicated, all right?”

Ray rubbed his hands over his face and then folded them in his lap. “Can we at least _try_ to uncomplicate it?  We’ve tried ignoring it and you can see how well that’s working out for me.”

Mick grimaced, but agreed.  “Yeah okay, but I ain’t happy we’re doing this without beer.”

Ray sighed. “There can be beer later, and maybe cupcakes if we survive.”

“Always knew you’d talk me to death.”

Ray’s started speaking in a very quiet voice, as if he was afraid to say some things out loud.  “Did I do something wrong? Something that made you not want to be with me anymore? I’ve gone over everything in my head so many times.  I just can’t see what I did."

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”  Mick could already feel the pressure building in his chest and didn’t want lose it in front of Ray.  Fortunately, Ray was never quite done talking.  

“Was I too pushy? Looking back I realize that it was always me coming to you.  You never asked me for anything. Were you just humoring me?”

An incredulous laugh bubbled up in Mick’s throat, but he managed to cover it with loud cough.  “Yeah, cuz I’m known for my giving nature.  Remember when you said you could’ve built a simulator? I figured you found yourself a dummy.”

Ray paled.  “I’ve never treated you like that; like you’re worth less - because you’re not.  Are you ever going to believe me?” 

Mick could see how what he’d said wounded Ray, and it made him feel too much.   He tried taking several even breaths in through mouth and exhaling through his nose.  “Not everything is your fault, Ray.”

Ray shook his head.  “No, this is definitely my fault. I asked too many questions and had too many feelings.  I should have seen that you didn't want that from me.”

Mick’s head started to pound, and he knew if he didn’t shut Ray up things were going to go very bad very quickly.  “I was seeing Snart,” he blurted out. 

Ray’s was taken aback, clearly confused.  “What? How? We met Leo a week ago.”

“No. I mean my Snart.  He wasn’t really there.  But I could see him, and hear him reminding me of what a piece of crap I am.  I didn’t tell you because even after I knew he wasn’t real, I knew he was right.  I didn’t deserve to have you as a partner, a friend, or anything else.  I was always gonna let you down.”

“Oh my God, Mick, you asshole. You were hallucinating and you didn’t tell anyone?”

Mick looked down.  “Told Stein.  Doc helped me out a little. Turns out there’s a chip in my head, but doesn’t work.  Apparently my uh, what do you call it Jiminy Cricket was acting up.”

“Your conscience?”

Mick nodded.  “I guess it started waking up.  Everybody was going on and on about how awesome the magic Spear was and I couldn’t stop thinking about how it could un-fuck my whole life. And then real Snart showed up with the Legion.”

“And future us,” Ray pointed out. 

“And I killed you.” Mick fought against the wave of nausea that accompanied that statement.

“What? When?”

“In the messed up future I helped make.  Nobody would say how it went down, but I looked at future me and I knew.  I fucked up so bad I got you and Amaya killed; the only people to call me _good_ and mean it.”   Mick felt his voice catch and knew he had to stop.  He was desperate not to let Ray see him lose control.     
He struggled getting to his feet, took two steps into the corridor and collapsed.  As the whole ship spun he heard Ray call out to Gideon.  Gideon was talking but it was hard to make out what she was saying.

“No, Doctor Palmer.  Mister Rory is not having a heart attack, though according to some the sensation is similar.”

xxx

Ray knelt by Mick, feeling helpless. “I –uh – I’m just gonna stay here if that’s okay.  I won’t ask any more questions.  I’m so sorry.”

Gideon spoke up again.  “Mister Rory, with your permission I can explain to Doctor Palmer”.  Mick managed to give her a wave while gasping for air. 

“Mister Rory has been experiencing panic attacks.  His neurochemistry is still re-equilibrating after complete withdrawal from the pharmaceuticals used to ensure the compliance of Chronos.”

“Okay. Is there anything you can give him now?”

“Unfortunately there is not.  Giving Mister Rory “the good drugs” as he calls them has the potential to permanently damage his neurological and cardiovascular health.  His brain must re-learn to respond appropriately to stressors.  I do what I can to provide therapeutic support when he seeks it out.”  


“Would cupcakes be okay?”

“Cupcakes are perfectly fine, Doctor Palmer.”

 When Mick could stand, Ray helped him to the kitchen.  He pushed a bottle of water toward Mick.  “No beer until after you drink that.” Mick made a face but drank the water.  Ray retrieved cupcakes from the fabricator. 

“Sorry I was being dick to you,” Mick murmured and bit into a cupcake. 

Ray laughed.  “You’re a dick to everybody.  I just want to be included.   How much did it suck when actual past Snart showed up?”

“So much,” Mick confirmed.  “It was real hard for me back then. The drugs were out of my system, but my head hurt all the time, and for a minute I thought it might be easier, going back to the way things were, when he told me how to be.”

“Seriously? You thought you might _like_ taking orders?”

Mick shrugged.  “I said for a minute. Apparently future me did more than think about it.”

“Are you feeling any better now?”

“Yeah, freakin’ panic attacks are new, but Gideon thinks they’re temporary.  I still have problems figuring out which are my memories and which belong to Chronos.   Yeah, I know I’m talking like he’s the third person.  Gideon says it’s okay to separate my _self_ from what I didn’t choose to be.”

Ray grinned.   “Good call, Gideon,”

 

“Thank you, Doctor Palmer.  My medical programming includes basic psychological support, which Mister Rory has accepted in lieu of actual psychiatric help.”

“You’re the only shrink I trust, Gideon.”

“Indeed Mister Rory.”

 

“Anyway, it took awhile to get stable, and there were side effects.  I still don’t sleep great, and I sometimes have…I wanna say aphids, but that’s wrong.”

“Aphasia?” Ray suggested.

“Yeah.  I gotta try to fix it with books and puzzles and stuff to make my brain stronger.”

“Ahh, neuroplasticity.  How did you manage in Aruba?”

“I was drunk off my ass most of the time.”

Gideon spoke up.  “If Mister Rory would curtail his alcohol consumption, there are medications which might…”

Ray and Mick laughed out loud together.  “Not gonna happen,” Mick confirmed.

Ray leaned in closer, bumping his elbow against Mick’s.  “I’m sorry talking about stuff led to a panic attack, but I’m really glad you came to see me.  I was having a really bad week.”

“Looked like.”

“It’s a huge relief knowing I didn’t scare you away, or bore you, or whatever.”

Mick cracked open a beer.  “You getting having the hots for me was, well, hot.  Being with  you made things bearable.  You know, in Aruba…” he trailed off as if he wasn’t sure how to approach the subject.

Ray sighed. “I was serious when I said I don’t care.  I hoped you were having a good time.”

Mick cleared his throat. “Yeah well, that’s the thing.  It was great – sun, booze, chicks in bikinis everywhere.  But I didn’t see a decent turkey sandwich the whole time.”

Ray positively glowed.  He knew that might be as close to a romantic as Mick could get.  “Oh,” was all he could say.

“Yeah I guess I got standards now or something”

“You should definitely keep that a secret - might ruin your reputation.  Well, it sounds like you’ve got plenty of stuff to figure out about you.  And I’m still working on me.  I figure there’s no rush to make decisions about _you and me_ right away.  But I’m gonna leave my door open, okay?”  Ray crossed his fingers mentally.

“Works for me," Mick agreed quickly.

They sat together for awhile, talking about nothing just like they used to.  Then Ray felt like they were being watched.  He raised an eyebrow and Mick let out a hum of disapproval. 

“Pretty, if you don’t stop eavesdropping I will find the temperature at which you melt.”

Ray grinned. “Bet I can find out first.”

They heard footsteps moving away from the kitchen.  “It’s cool.  They’re alive,” Nate announced as he retreated to a safe distance.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't prove it, but I swear I wrote this before we saw Mick doing laundry. Apparently out of 12 chapters of smut and angst it is most important to me that I receive credit for knowing he didn't always.


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Season 3, "No country for Old Dads"

The morning after he got back Ray was the kitchen doing the dishes. Mick came in, removed his gloves, and grabbed a towel for drying. Ray said nothing at first, but then halfway through the plates he spoke softly. “I know you think it was dumb to try to help her.”

Mick shook his head. “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have gone with you.”

“Didn’t want to bother you.”

“You – you have to stop tryin’ to get yourself killed.”

“Wasn’t the plan.”

Mick threw down the towel, clearly angry. “You didn't plan a damn thing! Don’t pretend you thought of anything beyond saving the girl.”

Ray dumped a handful of silverware in the sink with a loud clatter. “I know!  I know it was stupid, all right? You don’t have to rub it in. I am well aware of how not awesome things went. I’m sure the nightmares will remind me for years.”

Mick grabbed him firmly by the back of the neck and brought their foreheads together. “I miss you,” he growled. “I miss you trusting me, and needing me.”

“I still need you.” Ray’s lip trembled. “But you deserve time…”

“We live on a time ship. It’s all fucking relative.” Ray’s breathing eventually slowed.  Mick let him go and put his gloves back on. “We’re gonna get Dahrk - again - and get rid of him for good just like we did Savage. If I have my way he’ll get shredded like Thawne. Then you and I are gonna take a vacation.”

Ray smiled.  “Aruba?”

“Nah, there’s this other island where monkeys try to steal your drinks. I like a challenge.”

“That sounds fantastic. In the meantime, you know you can come read in my room whenever you want. Still have your chair."

"You might wanna get a new bed too. One that's not on the floor."

Ray couldn't be sure, but Mick might actually have blushed when he suggested that. "Oh?" he asked innocently.  "Knees not what they used to be?"

"I can, and will, shave your head, Ray."

"Only if you catch me, old man."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. It's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos. You will only encourage me to keep shipping Atomwave.


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